Tuesday, 6 September 2011

“But dude, I can’t defend…!"

That’s what our now college team striker Duane told the coach at soccer trials two years back. It paid off, coz he went on to score in crucial championship games bringing us home more often than not.

It’s funny how many lessons in life you can learn through sports. Be it the nerve racking patience and concentration of a golfer who birdies his way one stroke at a time, the killer instinct of a rookie boxer, an F1 driver sucking up the stomach twisting G-Forces at sharp corners, a 6 foot muscle-clad brawn-imposing dude dunking the hell out of a Spalding basketball or even a soccer forward curving a seemingly impossible angled ball way past the keeper into a now fluttering net. Offensive discourse as sport analysts put it is surprisingly the success story behind many a Wayne Rooney, a certain Shaq or even a really kinky Tiger Woods. These guys today are legends who’ve accomplished heaps and the resounding similarity with all of them is the fact that their playbooks had offensive plan As and few or no defensive plan Bs. But it worked! Well Salman, Anna and Naseer sure are the brave new additions to this cult.

In the blue corner, weighing in a staggering 120 pounds, unbeaten in two general elections, thrashed the BJP via direct knock out, the ‘Turbanator’- MANMOHAN SINGH! 
In the red corner, weighing in a competitive 100 pounds, an amateur with heart, aka the Gandhi of the 21st century, the man with the farmer fists- ANNA HAZARE.

Needless to say it was a revolutionary bout, nothing short of an Ali-Frazer rematch; one that lasted almost two weeks and is still far from final resolution. What started as a lone man’s quest to get a bill passed transformed into a nationwide cry against corruption. Was it called for? Most say yes, I say no. All it did was befuddle an audience much like Inception and it made them suspect a possible end and they eventually picked a side. Frankly I’m sick off all the speculation and it’s about time the ‘I am Anna’ human billboards got back to their old lives. Anna Hazare did the country a favor and pushed for anti corruption, agreed, but I bet he never fathomed the uproar he fuelled. So much like an egoistic football striker he left the midfield aka the country, whirl pooling in debate while he waited for that one cross to score. I never quiet was pro Anna, but the way he went about giving a shit about what the world felt kinda got to me. He wasn’t a defensive guy so to speak. He’d always draw first blood be it with Kiran Bedi singing on the dais or him chatting with Amir Khan who randomly squatted next to him. Like a con artist he sold an idea to his ‘supporters’ and it was their questionable belligerence that helped him make his ninja puff-of-smoke getaway. He even went offensive (not literally) through the media as their camera crews swarmed their lenses over the crowds during the entire fiasco. A cabbie who paid a 250 buck bribe just to get his permit renewed suddenly became the face of what a certain prime time reporter called ‘the 2nd freedom struggle’. Dude…seriously..! Anna’s movement really got to most people so much so, when I was stuck at Bandra station during one of those protester rallys, a group of irate women perched on the ground when the cops asked them to leave and yelled ‘ye andhar ki baat hai, police hamare saath hai’ (LOL). And astonishingly they kept getting louder each time a cop tried to move them. So in like the next 15 minutes, half of the massive crowd at the station hilariously ranted at the cops. That’s what Anna achieved. Here’s a 61 year old man fighting a country’s democratic policy instead of getting cozy near a fire place on his rocking chair. Must say, he just can’t defend…

Salman Khan, a genre in himself. Rumor has it Robin Hood turned in his grave the day Dabangg released. And while I write this, his candid admirers are on a high with the stupendous success of his latest ‘Bodyguard’ where he plays a familiar Kevin Costner’s doppelganger in an old south Indian movie remake. The Salman hangover surged through the country yet again all through last week and the fans are still loathing multiplexes. Though it really is quiet a ridiculous typical Sallu movie, the actor in his own, made it work this time even flexing his biceps to a beat (try that Shiamak). So I hear that his latest venture completes his 100 crore movie hat-trick but the question remains- what makes the fans accept this once prodigal son? I’d say Offensive discourse! Now be it Lovely Singh or the ‘dhinchak’ Chulbul Pande, pretty similar roles if you look at them. Yet Sallu, sets out to kickass-iffy the job of a boring security guard or a corrupt cop with the same zest and flamboyance that Christopher Reeves probably had when he played Superman.

In recent years, be it humor, drama or gravity defining action, the actor has delivered in his own style. Another thing I’ve noticed is the way a Sallu release comes just time to rescue the aam aadmi from a seemingly uneasy phase. Dabangg was the perfect cocktail to calm a pointless Baba Ramdev fever and today with millions of w’ANNA’bes still sporting their white topees, his Bodyguard is just what this country needs to take some time off from the action packed last couple of weeks. Sallu Bhai is an offensive forward waiting to score; he don’t defend.

The Indian Cricket today is having a really rough run both on and off the field. Sore from the Test series debacle, Dhoni and Co are trying to recoup fast to make a stand in the ODIs (I hope). But the one thing that has always bothered Indian cricket is its fielding. It’s a  known fact few of us care to bring out, but when a known Brit calls our fellow countryman a ‘donkey’ on live TV, yea that gets our attention. It’s funny the number of controversies Nasser Hussain has been a part of. In his latest donkey-gate splat, he once again rubbed Indian fans the wrong way. This came days after his embarrassing roe with fellow commentator Ravi Shastri. Now it is a matter of concern the way Nasser has over the years been prejudiced against Indian players with his hard hitting ‘opinions I am paid to give’. 

There comes a time when old on field unresolved issues seem less daunting but getting back at a team that screwed you over, well that’s just ‘sad and sadistic and sorry to say sissy’ (o hey tongue twister alert…). You don’t just rat out at players like that especially in India. But I wonder what Harsha was doing when Nasser threw his donkey fit...Well some things never change. Yet another example of dudes who can’t hold back, but Nasser is more of the flopside to this.

So while Sallu’s fans ‘Feel the powerrrr’ of Bodyguard, as Nasser deals with his deprived childhood issues and good old Anna recovers from playing Gandhi, I’m gonna call Duane, need to ask him if he’ll cover for the injured defender, but I think you know what he’ll say…;)

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...